5 Places one should definitely not go during Christmas dressed up as Santa

1) Punjab

So, you are sitting in Punjab and decided that Christmas was the festival you love, more than that dirty, wet holi and that noisy Diwali. And to commemorate the same, you decide to dress up as Santa, and go about wearing that red suit, fake white beard, with a sack on your back,  yelling “ho ho” to all and sundry.

Do not make the mistake of introducing yourself as the character you chose. Chances are that they will mistake you for the man of Santa Banta fame and beat the holiest of holy crap out of you for being the man that has invited so many jokes on the community.

2)  Kerala

There you were sitting on a houseboat in Alleppey, watching a kingfisher swoop down gracefully into the water, and then come out flabbergasted and disheveled, because what he thought was a cute little fish, was highly drunk on toddy and decided to do an Arnold Schwazanegger on the next Predator touching its fin. You shift your gaze to the coconut trees on the bank yonder, but something is missing. A Christmas tree, perhaps. Oh how the kids would like to see Santa with a bag full of toys. Excited, you go to a costumes shop and ask for a Santa suit.

Of course they give you one. Just that the bottom ends above the knees, like a kilt, a dhoti, or as the locals say ‘mund’.  No Kerala Santa okay? It would be quite disconcerting to see you on a sled, skidding along with your reindeers, and everything that was essential to your reproductive capabilities, lying right out there for everyone to see front view.

3) Gujarat

Philanthropic that you are, you decide that it wasn’t just your kids that you want to treat as Santa, but all your Gujju neighbours too.  And you hand out, to the first guy you meet, a nicely wrapped gift.

How would it feel when he lets out a bloodcurdling cry, a “tamari ma ki” and whacks you, because cookies can go to hell, he only wants a dandiya for a gift. He already has 18 pairs lined up in his cupboard, but a Gujju with 19 dandiyas is cooler than one with 18. “Samajh padtee?”

4) Delhi

Sitting on your sled in Delhi road traffic?  Chances are you’ll pick up a fight before you reach the first red light, be informed of how many politicians your opponent knows and had dinner with last night, and then get shot. And your reindeer, will get molested.

5) Goa

Goa is safe, Goa is fun and Goa has super Christmas spirit. But Goa is Goa.  Where we sit on a beach, or club in Baga, or lie stoned on the road claiming that we are Mahendra Singh Dhoni. You can parade around as Santa, as Paris Hilton or as Manmohan Singh.  We just won’t care, bro!